Contact

  • Email Address:

Biography

I am worthless at writing bios. I'll have to come back to this section. Um, for now, I'm 27, I was born and raised and live in Houston (for which the only excuse is that my family is here), and I'm a paralegal. It's a stop-gap job, but the gap is ever-widening. Ugh. I have a dog (The Emma Dog), a parrot (Monty the Loud), and a truly dysfunctional yet oddly loveable family. I love music, books, and The Golden Girls. (I personally think they have sublimal messages encoded on that show that hypnotize me into watching...that's the only way I can deal with liking it.) This bio is starting to scare me.

Yeah, so I've got nothing. What's in a bio? What do you really want to know about me?

For what it's worth, here are some names of people/animals that you may encounter on this blog:

Sister of Fuzzball, aka Lindsay, Linds

Brother of Fuzzball, aka Price

The Best Friend You All Wish You Had, aka Cecile, Ceale, Cec

Captain Peanuts, aka Casey

Princess Grouchy Pants, aka Ronnie

Bombadil, aka The Resident Blog Perv :)

Pete, aka General Buck, my e-crush

Jess, aka...uh, nothing, another e-crush

The Emma Dog, aka Emmers, Stinky Louise, The Princess

Monty, aka Fatty Montrose, Tubby Sinclair, The Bane of my Existence (kidding, love ya baby)

MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

"I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

"I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."

"It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."

"I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling there ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

"I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidentally wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away."

"And then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good a a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless."

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying "here you throw this away'."

"I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something."

"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others."

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami...Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself."

"I like refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time."

"I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick?"

"This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard."

"I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I'll just get a tan instead."

"I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said you're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit."

"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get ahold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly."

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."

"My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me, you must put a pause in there."

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never seen an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music", as though there's another way you can take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work."

"I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed."

"I was at the airport and this guy came up to me and said "I saw you on TV last night". He didn't say if I was any good. He just told me where I was. So I turned away for a minute and said Hey I saw you at the airport a minute ago. You were good."

"I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I'm about to floss."

"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."

"I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil and the devil is....Dill."

"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, you're an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupus. One of those two doesn't sound right."

"I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and you're a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."

"I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that, you better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you."

"I've been working the colleges and I always buy the shirts from the college, because they're quality shirts. But people always get the wrong idea. I'm walking around wearing a Washington U shirt and someone says "Hey Washington U, Did you go there?" Yeah! It was a Wednesday."

"Y'know I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread. So do I. Let's form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, let's cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for them."

"I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again". They were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

"I brought a donut and the guy gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the scenario where I would have to prove that I brought a donut. Some skeptical friend? Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here."

"When you go a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy, they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two, and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care! Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry. That's a double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."