S.O.S.

FUZZBALL CALLING ALL COMPUTER PEOPLE...FUZZBALL CALLING ALL COMPUTER PEOPLE...

I went to turn on my computer last night and all I got was my desktop picture. Nothing else. No start button, no icons, no recycle bin, nothing. I restart the computer in safe mode and log on as the Administrator and still, nothing. SO I call Dell Support. Big mistake.

Dell Woman: *unintelligible speaking with a thick Indian accent*

Tracy: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you...

Dell Woman: *more talking*

Tracy: I'm so sorry, I really can't hear you.

Dell Woman: Yoowahdentehasdrunoot!

Tracy: My what has what?

Dell Woman: Yoo WAHDENTY has DRUN OOT! LAST MONTH!

Tracy: Ah. No warranty. Excellent.

I am then transferred to some sort of Dell Support that you have to pay to use. While I'm waiting I am reminded at least 20 times to "get my credit card ready". Shit. I finally get on the phone with a really nice guy and I start to relax, thinking that maybe this isn't going to be as big a problem as I thought it would be. I tell him about the lack of icons, and I tell him that I AM able to start the Windows Task Manager, and there are about 25 processes running. That's ALL I tell him. Here's what happens next.

Dell Man: Okay Tracy, you are going to love me. We can definitely fix your computer. But now I do need for you to get your credit card ready.

Tracy: Of course! No problem! I'm just so happy that you can help me.

Dell Man: *laughing* You bet we can. Now, it's going to be 239 dollars, will that be Mastercard, Visa, Amex?

Tracy: *choking* Two WHAT? Are you kidding?

Dell Man: Absolutely not. You're welcome to shop around, but our pricing is very competitive. Plus this will give you a one-year software service warranty. Any more problems this year are taken care of with this.

Tracy: But...I've had this computer for three years and never had a problem. Why would I need to spend 250 dollars on a warranty that only lasts a year? Do you even know what's wrong with my computer?

Dell Man: I sure do. You have a virus. An EXTREMELY dangerous virus. You also have massive spyware. But it's not hopeless. We CAN fix it. It's just a very very very bad and dangerous virus.

Tracy: But...I don't have that kind of money. At all. I don't even have CLOSE to that kind of disposable cash.

Dell Man: I'm telling you, Tracy, our pricing is veryveryvery good. You should look around if you want, but this is a great deal.

Tracy: Dude, I understand that you think it's a "good deal" or whatever, but you're not hearing me. I don't HAVE the MONEY. You can't get blood from a stone!

Dell Man: Well I have great news for you. We have a Dell credit card that will help you out. Let me get your information and then I'll connect you to that department.

Tracy: Are you kidding? I can't get a credit card!

Dell Man: *sigh* I sure am sorry about that, Tracy. Have you tried looking at our Dell Support web site?

Tracy: *blink blink* Um, I can't start up my system and you want me to check out your website?

Dell Man: I'm just trying to offer you options here. You don't want to spend the money to fix your computer, so I'm telling you about our web site. I'm sorry that you can't access it, but that's my only advice right now.

Tracy: Can I have your name please?

Dell Man: *pauses* I don't really see how that's pertinent to your problem.

Tracy: *hangs up the phone while head spins a la Linda Blair in The Exorcist*

Can you believe it? What am I going to do now??? I still can't believe that fucktard support guy. I was *this close* to asking him if he sold snake oil or used cars on his days off. I'm just feeling hopeless right now. Do any of you have any ideas? FUZZBALL IN NEED OF ASSISTANCE HERE!!!!!!!!!

Comments

[Bombadil]

Unfourtuantely if you cannot get to anything, icons or otherwise, your options are limited.

First, from the deskptop just for s&gs hit Ctrl + Esc. That is the manual keystroke to bring up the task bar. If you can get to that, you might be able to do a few things, like get to the internet. McAfee offers a FreeScan program that will check for a bunch of viruses and will give you some ideas about manually cleaning the problem.

If you can get nothing, do you still have the software that came with your computer, sometimes they have a recovery disk that might help.

You can also try to get a boot up disk from McAfee or Notons virus system. McAfee is fairly cheap or if you know of somebody who has it make a copy.

Spyware isn't likely to be the casue of your problem. When you get the virus taken care of just install some good spyware software. I use SpyBot, but there are plenty of good options.

[Gymshoes]

Oh, please, don't get me started about Dell, Dell technical support, and the piece-of-shit laptop I got from them that has to have the harddrive replaced once a year on average. I was lucky the first time it died; it was just a few months out of the box, under warrenty and I was talked through everything by these really cool laid-back guys in Austin who really knew their stuff. Since then, I've had some of the most stupid dialogues with their tech aupport. I knew I was in trouble when I know more about computers than the guy who's helping me.

I'm not enough of a geek to diagnose your problem, but I'm suspicious of his diagnosis of spyware/virus. Have you noticed your computer acting strange before now? Crashing? Running slow? Error messages? Have you gotten any attachments or downloaded any files the last time you were on the machine? I mean, you can't get a virus while you're offline.

Sorry I can't be more help. I feel for you. I really do. I've been through computer hell (and Dell hell) enough times that I flinch just thinking about it. :-(

[abstractmonkey]

Here's my suggestion: ditch your computer (save the monitor) and buy an apple mac mini. $500 bucks + about $30 for a monitor adapter, and you're set. I know shit about shit, especially when that shit = computers, but I have been informed that virus-related issues are virtually nonexistant when it comes to macs.

;|

[Happy and Blue]

I had a similar problem once.
What you are going to need to fix it is a ski mask, preferably black, and a big heavy object like a brick.
Wear dark clothing and drive to the nearest computer store at night. Make sure there isn't a full moon.
Park a few blocks away and skulk to the store. If they have a window in back you have it made. If not move your car closer. You will need to get away fast.
Smash the window and run to the nearest computer. Did I mention you should check out the store before hand to find the best one. Well, if not do that first.
Anyways, grab the best computer you can and run like heck to your car.
Once you get home it shouldn't take long to set up your new computer.
One last thing. Never speak of what you did. To anyone.. Stupid squealers..
Hope that helps..

[Gymshoes]

So, did you get the computer problem fixed? Or are you now blogging on a stolen computer? ;-)

[Fuzzball]

Cheese it! The cops might be reading!