Laugh It Up, Fuzzball

Best line of my IM convo with Jessi tonight:

-- from jessi. - (?)

Jess Ex: so i was all thinking you guys were just... intellectually attracted to each other.

________________________________________________________________

Apparently my friends think that I'm too nerdy even for sex. Ah well. ;) LOL Damn, I love you guys.

The madness never ends

Another insane conversation between me and Torrie:

Torrie: You know how I know he wants to have sex with you? Okay, first of all, he has a penis.

Tracy: Okay, no, that's a fallacy.

*long pause* ... *the two girls realize what was just said* ... *wait for it*

Tracy and Torrie: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!




P.S. If this conversation doesn't make sense to you, say "fallacy" aloud to yourself. Got it? Are you with us? ;)

P.P.S. I didn't mean that it was a fallacy that he had a penis, I meant that it was a fallacy that having a penis means that a guy wants to have sex with any ole person.

P.P.P.S. Yes I am fully aware that I am a giant perv. Love me for it. :D

Life is eeeenterestink...

Have you ever thought back to things that you said you would "NEVER DO"? I've been doing that lately. As I've grown older I've realized how right my father was when he told me not to speak in absolutes. Now when I hear people say stuff like "you ALWAYS..." or "I NEVER..." I find myself thinking "Really? Always? Never? You sure about that?" 

I think that sometimes it's just about finding the right time or the right person or the right place in your life...and all of a sudden "never" becomes "hell yes right NOW". Do you know what I mean? For instance I keep saying NO KIDS NEVER NEVER NO NO NO but who am I to say never? Who knows what the future will bring? Do I want kids right now? Um, NO. Will I want them later? A year ago I would have hollered NO NO NO NEVER NO NO NO at the top of my lungs, but now...I'm trying not to deal in absolutes. I might be childless awesome Aunt Tracy, I might be Mommy, I'm just going to roll with what comes each day. Besides, I'm discovering that some of those "never" things might not be so bad after all. Ahem. ;)

Flawed

You see only what I want you to see. I'm so flawed...

I'm definitely not a skinny girl, but don't ever call me a BBW, because I despise that term... I wore braces for years but I had a crummy orthodontist so my bottom teeth are crooked... I'm terribly messy... I'm awful at handling money...

Most days I feel beautiful, but other days I worry...

Can I still be loved and desired, despite all of the flaws? Will I? Sometimes it scares me.

Reality bites

Okay I will make a confession. I watch two (and only two, thank you) reality shows: Bridezillas and Project Runway. I watch Bridezillas to remind myself of why I NEVER want to have a wedding. I've said it for years, that I never want a wedding. I'm not saying this to knock my friends that have had big extravagant parties, I'm just not into the idea. Dad, if you want to spend 100K on me, buy me a house, mmmkay? ;) Yeah so I just don't see the point in all that money on one day where the bride is usually so stressed that she doesn't even remember the day. For me, if (big IF) I ever get married, I want it to be me, the groom, and the person marrying us. The three of us can be on top of a mountain, or on the beach, as long as we're totally alone. I want the moment to just be between the two of us. No godawful bridesmaids dresses, no mothers and mother-in-laws, no drunken groomsmen, no florists, no caterers, nothing.

The other reality show that I indulge in is Project Runway. Ahhhhh the joy, the bliss. I don't care about the bitching between the designers, I just love watching these people create. It's amazing. I find myself becoming very protective of the designers. They're artists! Their talent expressed under extreme pressure is just extraordinary. Love it. I highly recommend this show.

This post is insane and I'll be the first to admit it.

I want to blog, I do, but I feel like anything I say would be too "Dear Diary", you know? I just feel like I should post something...Okay, I'll ramble for a few paragraphs. Keep in mind that I'm not kidding when I say ramble. I'll give five bucks* to anyone who can actually follow my train of thought...

I once had something that felt perfect. It was fun and sweet and sexy and wonderful...and then it crumbled. It didn't disappear, at least not yet...but it stopped being perfect. Instead it became confusing and distressing. Recently I found out that a friend of mine has found something perfect of her own, in fact it's practically identical to what mine used to be. The difference is that her perfect zigged, while my perfect zagged. The difference? She is making plans for the future, and I am...lost. I can't make plans for tomorrow much less plans for years and beyond.

I've said it in the past, and here it is again: I have no personal relationship radar. I have a freak magnet, but I have no radar. I have an amazing knack of being able to tell you who likes who and who will hook up and such...but when it comes to me? Nada. In fact, when I do try to guess, I'm usually 100% wrong, and then I end up totally embarrassed. That, by the way, is awesome. Nothing like feeling sixteen again, right? *eye roll*

I've grown up a lot in this past year. I wouldn't change it for anything because of all of the incredible lessons I've learned. I've done things that I never thought I'd have the courage to do. I've put myself out there to be trampled, and boy have I been trampled. Several times. Saying how you feel is hard enough, but when you don't get the result you were expecting...well, it's enough to make a girl want to call it a day and ask for the check. I know, I know, get back on the horse. Easy enough to say, right?

I've made some amazing friends -- people that I can't believe I have the privilege to know. I've also met some pretty awful people, and I'm doing my best to distance myself from them. It amazes me how manipulative and cruel some folks can be, and I'm not talking just about the big evil, like Osama or Dick Cheney or whatever. I'm talking about your everyday jane/john doe out on the street. There are some mean, messed-up people out there. Yikes.

Recently my mom and I have been having some communication problems because she thinks that I'm talking down to her. I'm honestly not trying to do that, but the problem is that she has never been where I am right now. She has never been a single 30-year-old woman living on her own, trying to find her own way. My mom went from being her father's daughter to being her husband's wife at age 22, and this was 30 years ago! There are a lot of things that she can help me with, and her advice is extremely important to me, but in this particular area? She can really only speculate. This makes her act very defensive when we talk, and then I get defensive...and it all goes downhill from there.

Meh there's so much more that I could say, but why bother? I know the people that read this blog. You guys love me; you're my cheerleaders. You just want me to be happy, and I feel the same way about all of you. I wonder if we have any real choices in this world, or if the future is already mapped out for each of us individually. If it's the latter I have to believe that there has been a reason for all of this madness. If the former, well, I've just made some very very strange choices. Ah well. Onward, yes? Yes.

*No, I'm not really going to give you five bucks.

Just a big ole goober, and proud of it

Yeah, I'm a mess. Absolutely. I was joking with Torrie and her hubs tonight that they didn't really need to have gone through the whole having a baby thing, because they already had me to raise. There are a lot of things that I'm just now catching up with. I might be 30 years old, but I'm still pretty naive about a lot of things.

I know that a lot of people have preconceived notions about me, about what I'm really like. I can be loud, talkative, bossy...a true extrovert in every sense of the word. Does this mean that I don't get shy in certain situations? Does this mean that I don't go all goofy and tongue-tied? Hell no. I might be able to work a room, but I can get just as nervous as the next person when the boss calls me to her office, or the cute boy walks in the room, etc.

What's the point of all this true confession nonsense? Well...I'm just being me. I believe in me. If who I am doesn't work for you, well then walk on, friend, walk on. No hard feelings.

The Traveling Hat finds a happy perch

Those dark, quiet moments

Daylight Savings sucks. That's not the point of this post, but I would just like to say that I absolutely detest the fact that it is dark outside as I am leaving work. What the fuck is that.

Last night as I was driving home I was so sleepy that I couldn't wait to get home and conk out in bed. I was listening to my darling K's Choice and the music was just perfect for my mood. When I pulled R2 up to my house I couldn't bear the thought of dragging myself out of the car and up the stairs and then down again with Emma and then up again, etc etc etc... So I turned the engine off but left the battery running the stereo, I leaned my seat all the way back and I sat in the darkness listening to music. I let the notes wash over me, I thought about each lyric, I thought about my day, my life, my friends, my family...it was this perfect moment of peace. It seemed like each song that played had some sort of significance to me, to how I was feeling, to what I needed to hear. I also thought about how oddly romantic the situation was -- lying back in a car seat in the darkness with soft music playing...but oops I was alone. Scratch the romance part. ;P

When the album ended I regretfully turned the car off, grabbed my gear and wandered upstairs to a VERY excited puppy. Later as I got in bed I turned the record on again to try to recapture my earlier peaceful moment, but it wasn't there. I don't know what was so different, I mean I was in the dark, it was the same music, and yet...no zen moment. So strange...

Maybe I just needed that ten or so minutes alone in my car, alone in the dark with K's Choice. Maybe that was the reset button that needed to be pushed. Who knows.