I want to blog, I do, but I feel like anything I say would be too "Dear Diary", you know? I just feel like I should post something...Okay, I'll ramble for a few paragraphs. Keep in mind that I'm not kidding when I say ramble. I'll give five bucks* to anyone who can actually follow my train of thought...
I once had something that felt perfect. It was fun and sweet and sexy and wonderful...and then it crumbled. It didn't disappear, at least not yet...but it stopped being perfect. Instead it became confusing and distressing. Recently I found out that a friend of mine has found something perfect of her own, in fact it's practically identical to what mine used to be. The difference is that her perfect zigged, while my perfect zagged. The difference? She is making plans for the future, and I am...lost. I can't make plans for tomorrow much less plans for years and beyond.
I've said it in the past, and here it is again: I have no personal relationship radar. I have a freak magnet, but I have no radar. I have an amazing knack of being able to tell you who likes who and who will hook up and such...but when it comes to me? Nada. In fact, when I do try to guess, I'm usually 100% wrong, and then I end up totally embarrassed. That, by the way, is awesome. Nothing like feeling sixteen again, right? *eye roll*
I've grown up a lot in this past year. I wouldn't change it for anything because of all of the incredible lessons I've learned. I've done things that I never thought I'd have the courage to do. I've put myself out there to be trampled, and boy have I been trampled. Several times. Saying how you feel is hard enough, but when you don't get the result you were expecting...well, it's enough to make a girl want to call it a day and ask for the check. I know, I know, get back on the horse. Easy enough to say, right?
I've made some amazing friends -- people that I can't believe I have the privilege to know. I've also met some pretty awful people, and I'm doing my best to distance myself from them. It amazes me how manipulative and cruel some folks can be, and I'm not talking just about the big evil, like Osama or Dick Cheney or whatever. I'm talking about your everyday jane/john doe out on the street. There are some mean, messed-up people out there. Yikes.
Recently my mom and I have been having some communication problems because she thinks that I'm talking down to her. I'm honestly not trying to do that, but the problem is that she has never been where I am right now. She has never been a single 30-year-old woman living on her own, trying to find her own way. My mom went from being her father's daughter to being her husband's wife at age 22, and this was 30 years ago! There are a lot of things that she can help me with, and her advice is extremely important to me, but in this particular area? She can really only speculate. This makes her act very defensive when we talk, and then I get defensive...and it all goes downhill from there.
Meh there's so much more that I could say, but why bother? I know the people that read this blog. You guys love me; you're my cheerleaders. You just want me to be happy, and I feel the same way about all of you. I wonder if we have any real choices in this world, or if the future is already mapped out for each of us individually. If it's the latter I have to believe that there has been a reason for all of this madness. If the former, well, I've just made some very very strange choices. Ah well. Onward, yes? Yes.
*No, I'm not really going to give you five bucks.
All the choices you have made and will continue to make are what are mapping your future. It's all in your hands, but not (hey cryptic, how you doin'?) At least, that's what I have found to be true. I don't think things are mapped out, but I do know that all the seemingly wrong decisions tend to be the ones we learn the most and grow from... and they help us appreciate the good in our lives when we stumble upon it or it smacks us in the face. I do love you. I will cheer you on inevitably (ha! no pun intended) but I'll also tell it like I see it because that's what I would want. You're awesome, don't forget it. *hugsnorgle*
Posted by: Keely | November 12, 2007 at 02:36 PM
I can totally relate to this post on so many levels - especially about helpful "advice" given by mothers. When my mom was my age, she had one kid in high school, another in junior high, and a third in grade school. She tries to tell me that she understands how tough it is to be single/dating at my age and that I should do X and Y. However, dating 1) as a 20 year old is completely different from dating in your 30s and 2) in the 70s is different from dating in the 00s. She cannot grasp these facts, which is very frustrating for us both! That's why I'm extremely grateful for my friends who are in the same boat.
Posted by: Christine | November 12, 2007 at 03:22 PM
I don't think there is anything wrong with not having plans for the future. It's kind of nice not to, to just sit back and see where life takes you.
And while I can talk to my mom about anything, she can be very close-minded, and has a hard time understanding where I'm coming from sometimes. But I know she wants what's best for me - as I'm sure your mom does, too. It's frustrating, though, trying to talk to someone who has no idea what you're going through.
Posted by: jessi | November 12, 2007 at 05:47 PM
Damn and I was totally expecting a check too!
Communicating with parents never seems to be easy regardless of their age. It always ends up that we both think we've been in the exact same spot before when in fact neither of us has, or we compare apples to oranges.
As for the future being mapped out, I'm not sure about that....I've often wondered but haven't come to a conclusion in my own mind yet. I'm sure you'll find your "perfection" someday. It might take a little longer to create though.
Posted by: Tirzah | November 12, 2007 at 05:56 PM
Any horse would be lucky to have you get back up on them... that just sounds creepy and wrong, but I'm sticking by it. :oP
Posted by: James - SLM | November 13, 2007 at 01:12 AM
It is quite interesting that I read over your post today because I had these same exact thoughts ago last year. It has been hard trying to make sense of why it takes so long to arrive to what is meant for your life. I think the answer lies with the trust that we must put in on our Creator, since He is the fooprints in the sand that lead us to true peace. i know that I am a complete stranger, but in asking the same question last year and many years before, being now 28, is that we have no control of our lives. We can coose things that seems like they will lead us down a cool path and then before we know it we see the only the mud covering our faces of situations we definitely could not foresee. One day at a time!
Posted by: Noelle | November 13, 2007 at 02:16 PM
I am thrilled that I have gotten to know you in the limited capacity that I have. I hope the feeling is mutual. I am not privy to all you have been through but I am a tiny bit.
I wish I had some fabulous advice that upon reading, you'd smack your head and go "Exactly! Ugh, she's so wise. I'm totally fine now." Amazingly enough? Yeah, I don't. But I am here to vent and stuff like that.
I hope that helps.
Posted by: southernfriedgirl | November 13, 2007 at 08:42 PM
I have the EXACT same radar when it comes to being able to tell who likes who. I really hate that radar. It's depressing because there are so many signals flying in the air I keep wondering if I'll ever get hit by one.
Mothers, don't even get me started.
Posted by: laanba | November 15, 2007 at 10:31 PM