So after reading Jeff's take on the Men's Health article 50 Things Men Wish You Knew, I thought I'd give you my take on the sister article, 50 Things She Wishes You Knew.
Let me first say that the 50 things that were on this list were, um, mainly stupid. I can think of a BUNCH of better things to say to men, but that's another post. Hmmm that could be a fun one. Most of this list was a bunch of insulting crap that makes women sound like scheming manipulative lunatics. Hell, if I was a man I'd want to be gay after reading this list.
Having said that, here are the items that made me yell "YES", the items that made me yell "WHAT THE HELL?" and the items that made me want to find the Men's Health editors and punch them out. I've decided to start with the bad and end with the good, mainly because the bad makes me want to throw things and I'd rather end this post on a happy note. ;)
Completely, Totally, and Utterly Insulting:
1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
Um, if you mean it when you say it, you can say it any time you want. Any time. Anyone that says different is an idiot.
5.
I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to
48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think
so.
No I don't, and I won't, and seriously? Really? Good lord.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
Oh gag. This is the oldest complaint in the book. If you are dating
a guy that just doesn't care, then why pick a fight by asking him and
then getting mad when he says "fine"? Grow up.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
What a hateful thing to say!
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
Yeah, buy me stuff. Lots of stuff. Then you can do whatever you want. 'Cause all I really want is lots of stuff. *gag*
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a.) ...having a fat day. b.) ...not feeling "connected" to you. c.) ...blackmailing you to get something I want.
This one made me sick. Blackmailing you?? Remember what I said about
scheming manipulative psychos? The woman who wrote this list should be
slapped around.
18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
Again, I am a vacuous simpleton, so of course I only care about how you look.
21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up
date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in
advance when we're just going to the movies.
Buy me things! More things! Buy me stuff! Me me me me!!
30. I want to be Madonna.
Yes, yes I want to be a total skank who now affects a British accent
and humps a giant crucifix on stage. Please, someone call Mr. Roarke
and Tattoo on Fantasy Island and get that going for me.
35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving
Because AGAIN -- BUY ME STUFF! ALL I CARE ABOUT IS STUFF! BUY FOR ME!!
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.
The world revolves around me, doesn't it? It does, right? Whatever, go buy me something.
50. You should know all this and more without my telling you.
Because after all, you're dating a complete bitch. WTF?
Now, This is Just Stupid:
2. Real men drive stick shift.
Are you kidding me? Do you think we really care if you drive stick? I'm sorry, I think the whole car thing is overrated. I don't care what kind of car a guy drives, as long as he knows how to drive it. Ahem.
28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
Oh give me a break. What impresses me is a guy that knows when to lead and when to follow. IF you know what I mean ;) Ahthankyouverymuch!
39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
Yes, I enjoy making you miserable by forcing you to talk when you don't want to. I'm a psycho like that. WTF?? Who WROTE these things???
40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
Again, give me a break. Most of the people that I know agree that having fun on the plain old regular days is much more important :)
45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
Uh, what? I mean, that made the list? That's retarded.
and finally...Hell to the YES. The FEW things that I agreed with:
3. I will leave if you lie.
I mean, it's harsh, but yeah. I don't think I'd be with you anyway
if you were a liar, but I don't really see any reason to stay with you
if you are. Been there, done that. Who's heard the Fake Australian
story, raise your hand! *sigh*
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
It's all about snorgling, baby. Get on it. ;D
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
I can't speak for the rest of the ladies, but in my experience, that's true. Now, occasionally you might be the warm-up act for Clive Owen, but since it's fantasy-you, you never seem to mind.
What? It's fantasy, shut up. :P
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
Yes yes it's true. I get a stupid grin on my face. :)
26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
This one corresponds with #5 on the men's list, in my opinion. I guess both sides want the other to do the heavy lifting, LOL. Hm. For me, I would say that if you think we like you, chances are we do. Go with it.
32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
Oh gads that is SO SO SO SO SO true. Give it a try sometime. Just
reach over quietly and take her hand. You'll see her light up like a
Christmas tree.
33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
Mmmmm the regular everyday things, yes. You are very om nom nom nom when you do the little things.
46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
No comment. But yes. But I didn't say that. *innocent look*
P.S. It's even better when you whisper it really close so you tickle our necks. ;P
48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
Yes and yes again. Just leave and close the door. Please don't cheat.
49. I remember everything about our relationship.
That's not a girl thing, that's a Tracy thing. I have a freakish memory. :)
Bonus points for the Fantasy Island reference. :o) You can stay.
Posted by: James (SLM) | January 03, 2008 at 11:33 PM
Oh as if there was ever a question of me staying ;)
Da plane! Da plane!
Posted by: Fuzzball | January 03, 2008 at 11:37 PM
I gotta say, after reading the "50 Things She Wishes You Knew", I was offended. That list just sucked and you are totally on point.
Posted by: Hank | January 04, 2008 at 06:36 AM
What's sad is that I know girls who would write this list. Sigh.
Posted by: Christine | January 04, 2008 at 07:22 AM
This is what happens when MEN write a list about what women want.
Well, I'm assuming it was men because if a woman wrote that list she is an asshole.
It is lists like this that give women a bad name.
You were spot on!
Posted by: torrie | January 04, 2008 at 08:50 AM
@Torrie: No, dude! A WOMAN wrote the article! That's the worst part! Can you imagine being in a relationship with a woman like that? JESUS!
Posted by: Fuzzball | January 04, 2008 at 08:58 AM
why do leather pants always have to be brought up? do people try to regularly get away with wearing leather pants? it seems like someone is always saying, "only rock stars get away with those," but is there ever anyone someone in the vicinity wearing them? how does this make lists anymore? there was one guy one time who tried it, and he failed, and some idiot kept this going for 45 years. i hate people.
Posted by: sister | January 04, 2008 at 10:34 AM
I could not agree with your more on these. The '50 Things She Wishes You Knew' was painfully ignorant. Though she hit the nail on the head about men being sexy when they're shaving, fixing things, and holding babies.
Posted by: Manda | January 04, 2008 at 01:19 PM
Ummm... I SWEAR I posted a comment on this yesterday. WTF??? Oh well, here goes again...
It shouldn't be any surprise to you that I agree with you on pretty much everything, especially the part where you say "It's even better when you whisper it really close so you tickle our necks." Oh good GAWD yes!! *swoons*
The chick who wrote that article needs to be slapped. Hard. Jeebus!
Posted by: Erin | January 04, 2008 at 08:06 PM
Erin and I must have had the same problem because I know I left a comment here the other day!
I am completely guilty of number 5. It's totally an ingrained fear that I cannot get rid of since I don't want kids ever. As a matter of fact, it's partly the inspiration for Neurotic Fishbowl. I know it's crazy, but I totally can't help it.
I was just thinking about number 33 the other day and how I love all the random little things about guys that just makes me think "man." Now I wish I had a date. lol
Posted by: Kymberlie R. McGuire | January 04, 2008 at 08:19 PM
I LOVE how you actually wrote out 'om nom nom nom'. I may steal that. But I did the responsible thing and let you KNOW I was stealing it. More like borrowing without explicit permission.
I also fully agree with the 'if you're going to cheat, just leave first'. I've actually told the boyfriend this.
Posted by: Talea | January 06, 2008 at 05:01 PM
I think every woman needs their own personal handbook like this. Not everyone's as high-maintenance as this chick, but there's so many unusual quirks out there, and it'd be nice to know in advance which ones send seemingly normal women off the deep end.
Just a few examples I found in real life:
-Leaving the shower curtain open
-Touching her shoes
-Putting silverware in the dishwasher
And in every instance, they always expected me to know better.
Surprisingly, I haven't found one yet who cares about the toilet seat being up.
Posted by: Datadog | January 07, 2008 at 11:13 AM
Makes me want to do a list. You were right on with this. Women can be nuts. :)
Posted by: Keely | January 08, 2008 at 01:09 PM
"I want to be Madonna"?!
Are you kidding me?
When was this list written? 1987?
Posted by: Jenny | January 09, 2008 at 01:20 PM
Oh heck yeah, you got it all right here. Great commentary. :D
Posted by: The Pear Lady | January 12, 2008 at 09:09 PM
@Datadog - Me. Leaving the toilet seat up will send me off the deep end. Because nothing sucks as much as a cold toilet in the middle of the night when you accidentally sit on it and the seat was left up. Grrrr.
The rest of that list makes me want to hurt the author or take a spork to my eyes. Is she crazy??? Whatever.
Posted by: Christine | January 14, 2008 at 12:58 PM