Laugh It Up, Fuzzball

What a Girl Needs ;)

So after reading Jeff's take on the Men's Health article 50 Things Men Wish You Knew, I thought I'd give you my take on the sister article, 50 Things She Wishes You Knew.

Let me first say that the 50 things that were on this list were, um, mainly stupid. I can think of a BUNCH of better things to say to men, but that's another post. Hmmm that could be a fun one. Most of this list was a bunch of insulting crap that makes women sound like scheming manipulative lunatics. Hell, if I was a man I'd want to be gay after reading this list.

Having said that, here are the items that made me yell "YES", the items that made me yell "WHAT THE HELL?" and the items that made me want to find the Men's Health editors and punch them out. I've decided to start with the bad and end with the good, mainly because the bad makes me want to throw things and I'd rather end this post on a happy note. ;)

Completely, Totally, and Utterly Insulting:

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.

Um, if you mean it when you say it, you can say it any time you want. Any time. Anyone that says different is an idiot.

5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

No I don't, and I won't, and seriously? Really? Good lord.

7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.

Oh gag. This is the oldest complaint in the book. If you are dating a guy that just doesn't care, then why pick a fight by asking him and then getting mad when he says "fine"? Grow up.

14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.

What a hateful thing to say!

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.

Yeah, buy me stuff. Lots of stuff. Then you can do whatever you want. 'Cause all I really want is lots of stuff. *gag*

17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a.) ...having a fat day. b.) ...not feeling "connected" to you. c.) ...blackmailing you to get something I want.

This one made me sick. Blackmailing you?? Remember what I said about scheming manipulative psychos? The woman who wrote this list should be slapped around.

18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.

Again, I am a vacuous simpleton, so of course I only care about how you look.

21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.

Buy me things! More things! Buy me stuff! Me me me me!!

30. I want to be Madonna.

Yes, yes I want to be a total skank who now affects a British accent and humps a giant crucifix on stage. Please, someone call Mr. Roarke and Tattoo on Fantasy Island and get that going for me.

35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving

Because AGAIN -- BUY ME STUFF! ALL I CARE ABOUT IS STUFF! BUY FOR ME!!

36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.

The world revolves around me, doesn't it? It does, right? Whatever, go buy me something.

50. You should know all this and more without my telling you.

Because after all, you're dating a complete bitch. WTF?

Now, This is Just Stupid:

2. Real men drive stick shift.

Are you kidding me? Do you think we really care if you drive stick? I'm sorry, I think the whole car thing is overrated. I don't care what kind of car a guy drives, as long as he knows how to drive it. Ahem.

28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.

Oh give me a break. What impresses me is a guy that knows when to lead and when to follow. IF you know what I mean ;) Ahthankyouverymuch!

39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.

Yes, I enjoy making you miserable by forcing you to talk when you don't want to. I'm a psycho like that. WTF?? Who WROTE these things???

40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.

Again, give me a break. Most of the people that I know agree that having fun on the plain old regular days is much more important :)

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

Uh, what? I mean, that made the list? That's retarded.

and finally...Hell to the YES. The FEW things that I agreed with:

3. I will leave if you lie.

I mean, it's harsh, but yeah. I don't think I'd be with you anyway if you were a liar, but I don't really see any reason to stay with you if you are. Been there, done that. Who's heard the Fake Australian story, raise your hand! *sigh*

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

It's all about snorgling, baby. Get on it. ;D

8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.

I can't speak for the rest of the ladies, but in my experience, that's true. Now, occasionally you might be the warm-up act for Clive Owen, but since it's fantasy-you, you never seem to mind.

What? It's fantasy, shut up. :P

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.

Yes yes it's true. I get a stupid grin on my face. :)

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.

This one corresponds with #5 on the men's list, in my opinion. I guess both sides want the other to do the heavy lifting, LOL. Hm. For me, I would say that if you think we like you, chances are we do. Go with it.

32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.

Oh gads that is SO SO SO SO SO true. Give it a try sometime. Just reach over quietly and take her hand. You'll see her light up like a Christmas tree.

33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.

Mmmmm the regular everyday things, yes. You are very om nom nom nom when you do the little things.

46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.

No comment. But yes. But I didn't say that. *innocent look*

P.S. It's even better when you whisper it really close so you tickle our necks. ;P

48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.

Yes and yes again. Just leave and close the door. Please don't cheat.

49. I remember everything about our relationship.

That's not a girl thing, that's a Tracy thing. I have a freakish memory. :)

Open letter to myself:

Obviously the letter just proves its point: that I am an idiot. I'm an idiot for everything that happened before and I'm an idiot to have written the letter. Don't get me wrong, I still feel the same way as when I wrote the letter, but I guess I shouldn't have posted it. Hey, you can't blame me for it, I'm an idiot. Oh, and I'm also totally humiliated. Woo hoo!

This just in:

Wasabi-coated peanuts are in fact the best way to sear your entire sinus cavity and mouth. I highly recommend them. For every four fairly spicy wasabi peanuts there is one that causes tears to spontaneously shoot from my eyes and my mouth to go aflame. Why do I keep eating them? Hell if I know. It must be some sort of weird operant conditioning. Is it operant? Yeah, I'm the one with the psych degree, I know. My profs would smack me around for this...

Olfactory aphrodisiacs...say that three times fast!

What turns you on? More to the point: what (if any) smells turn you on? Have you ever stopped to think about it? I remember being in high school and catching a whiff of a certain person's soap/aftershave and all of my senses going ba-ZING! That's pretty normal, though, digging the smell of a perfume. What about other scents? For instance, I go nuts when I walk into a Home Depot or other hardware-type store. The smell of building supplies sends me over the edge. Stop laughing, I have NO explanation for it! All I can figure is that I was some sort of carpenter in a past life. Or maybe a termite...

Let's see...what else? Um, garlic, rosemary, clean-cut grass...Oh, here's an odd one: The other day I was at the park and as I was walking around with Ems I suddenly caught a waft of an incredibly familiar scent. All of a sudden I was transported back to 9th grade when I used to sit outside at lunch and talk to (okay flirt with) my current crush. I started smiling and my face got flushed thinking about the adolescent rush that I'd get around that boy. I looked around for the origin of the sweet smell that was sparking my memory. It was a shrub (a shrubbery!) that was blooming all over with tiny white flowers. I walked out of the park all giddy with my head full of happy times. (By the way, that boy has turned out to be quite a looker, so obviously I had excellent taste, even at age 14.)

So come on, spill it. What smells get your motor revvin'? Tell me the normal ones AND the weird ones. Hey, I admitted to Home Depot, okay?

I'd like to see this bitch at a White Elephant exchange...

For those of you who totally ignore my rockin' sidebar content, allow me to introduce you to Joolie, proprietor of Oh, my stars and garters! She's as weird as I am, plus she lives in Austin. COOL.

So why bring Joolie up now? The answer is this post. She and Eric received a Christmas present from their evil landlady last night: a card, a pound of Starbucks coffee and a container of pastries.

But wait...is that the whole story? Is...is that coffee two months expired?

Oh no. No, it's not. In fact, it's not even really Starbucks coffee. NICE.

Recycled Starbucks bags? Filled with Folgers? Scotch-taped shut?

Well played, landlady. Well played. *slow clap*

Is this a plot to slowly drive me insane?

For the past week I have had a large pile of Dell boxes and the detritus that comes with new computer equipment sitting next to my very small trashcan. Each night that I've been here I have left a sign taped to the pile that says "TRASH - BASURA" so that the cleaning crew would take the pile away. Each morning I come in to find that they have taken the sign...and nothing else. They take the sign that says "trash" and they leave the pile of trash that HAD THE SIGN TAPED ON IT.

I think I'm developing a tic.

UPDATE: I have now added TWO signs and I have taped them to the wall above the pile of trash. One has a large orange arrow pointing down and the second sign reads "TODO EN ESTE MONTON ES BASURA." If that doesn't get through to them, I quit.

UPDATE, WEDNESDAY MORNING: They took the trash!! Hooray!!

Seriously, what the hell.

I'm sure this is old news to you guys, but I had to share this video. I wasn't expecting the reaction that I had to it: I got big tears in my eyes and I was sick to my stomach. It's one thing to hear about someone being tasered; it's a whole other thing to hear someone being tasered.

The following is video of a UCLA student being tasered at least four times last Tuesday night at Powell Library. Lovely, huh?

Oh this is no good, no good at all.

It's 2:24 in the morning. I was awoken by an insatiable thirst and itchy toes. Wait, what? Itchy toes? Note to self: stop wearing flip-flops when you take Emma out to play. My toes are covered in mosquito bites. AIEEEEEE THE ITCHING MAKE IT STOP...

So I come upstairs to get something to drink and I decide to sit down at my desk and check my e-mail/scratch my toes. I hear something...             *scribble scrabble*

              *squeak squeak*

                                                     *scrabble scrabble scrabble*

*THUD*

                                    *SQUEEEEEEAL*

                                                                             *squeak squeak scrabble scrabble*

Oh yes. There are rats in my ceiling. No, I don't mean in my attic, I mean in the ceiling.

Oh no, don't give me that face. Quit with the gaping mouth and bulging eyes. You heard exactly what I said. RATS. IN MY CEILING.

*COMMENCE FREAKING OUT*

Thank you to Dove...

For telling the truth, depressing though it may be.

Uh, yikes.

This post has been removed because apparently I'm a giant idiot.

Who knew?

Oh, yeah...me.