Laugh It Up, Fuzzball

I would like to welcome all of the crazies...

...who over the past couple of days have found their way to LIUF through the following search phrases:

• phlebotomist cartoon   (huh?)
• Torrie sucking ice   (PERVS.)
• we represent the lollipop guild   (This ain't Munchkinland, folks.)
• i hate money   (Well okay, I do. I really do.)

and finally...

• why do cigarettes make you throw up when your on heroin (italics added by Fuzz)

I'm so very proud to know that LIUF is easily accessible to grammatically-impaired drug addicts everywhere. Jesus, people are so fucking strange.

Open letter to the Texas Department of Transportation:

Over the past three days I have tried three different ways to get home from my temp job. Three different ways to go 13.5 miles. That's all, just 13.5 miles. So how long does it take? I'll let you take a guess, TxDOT. After all, you're the supposed transportation professionals, right? So how long? Come on, give me your best guess. What's that you say? Twenty minutes? Oh, TxDOT, you hilarious bastards, stop making me laugh. I told you to guess, not dream. Try again. Thirty minutes? Now listen here, if you're not going to take this seriously then I'm not going to play. You have one last guess. Forty minutes? *sigh* I'm disappointed in you, TxDOT. For evil geniuses, you're not very smart. Okay, I'll tell you:

ONE HOUR.

That's right, fuckers, it took me ONE GODDAMN HOUR to drive THIRTEEN POINT FIVE MILES. At one point I wasn't even pressing on the accelerator. What is that, like five miles an hour? Emma could have pulled me faster than that!

Let me ask you something: Is there any particular reason why every fucking freeway in this city is under major construction? What? Oh, that's right, it's not just the freeways. It's also most of the major in-town roads as well. Let's also not forget that if a road isn't under construction it's still filled with bone-jarring-tire-popping-shock-destroying potholes. Ahhhh what a pleasant drive.

So I give you my kudos, TxDOT. You have broken me. I concede defeat to you and your evil organization. Might I suggest that you take this operation on the road (pun intended) to other countries? I think that you could be looking at a possible world domination. Tie up enough roads and people will just fall at your feet, helpless to do anything but snivel at the high gas prices.

You really got me tonight. I'll admit that I have a temper that tends to flare while I'm driving, but tonight I was using curse words that would make Tony Soprano blush and titter. I think my favorite part of the drive was at a dead stop in the middle of I10 when I just put my head down on the steering wheel and wept. You felt it, didn't you, TxDOT? Your horns and tails grew just a little bit longer, didn't they? I thought so.

Enjoy your victory, TxDOT. Way to kick a girl when she's down.

How To Annoy Me, The Office Edition:

Always always ALWAYS leave your office door open, especially when doing one or more of the following:

1. Having loud telephone conversations. I promise, no one in the office is interested. I PROMISE.
2. Telling obnoxious stories using words and phrases that would make a sailor blush.
3. Making any number of disgusting noises like trying to suck snot down your throat with the power of a Hoover or hacking up phlegm.
4. Eating your lunch with the grace of a drunken baboon. How you manage to chew THAT loudly is way beyond me.

Seriously, close your door. You have a door, use it. It will inflate your already inflated sense of self-worth and your co-workers will be oh-so-much happier. Thank you.

Fuzzball + Depression = ?

Lately I can't seem to focus on much of anything for too long a period of time, and I don't really have much desire to do much of anything, either. I get started on a project, like cleaning my kitchen, and I end up wandering back into the living room to space out on the couch, having picked up the trash, but leaving piles of dishes still on the counter. Nothing really gets me too excited, nothing really motivates me. Yesterday, however, was an exception:

Yesterday on my routine run through my blogroll I came upon this post on badosworld. Jemison is way into astronomy, which is very cool, and normally I too am way into astronomy and therefore eager to read what he has to say. The post (if you bums are too lazy to read it) is about an asteroid "captured [on film] by a Japanese space probe Hayabusa".

Showing us a picture of the asteroid (named 25143 Itokawa) Jemison points out that "objects lacking a critical mass don't "go spherical," and so this asteroid looks like a space potato". Hmmmm very interesting. Very scientific and all that. But what can I think of? What comes to mind? What in my depressive stupor do I conjure? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

 

I have got to get a job, and soon. This sort of malarky is only going to get worse.

I'm perfectly happy just watching CSI...

Allow me to preface this post by saying that I did get to spend time with a dear friend and I'm glad that I was with her this past Friday night. Having said that:

My first time ever in a casino (Friday night) was my LAST time ever in a casino.

Noise + sleazy people + enough secondhand cigarette smoke to kill a man in less than 24 hours = one miserable Fuzzball. I'm sure I'll get plenty of arguments over this, but I really don't get the point of casinos. If I'm going to give away fifty dollars why shouldn't I just buy some new shoes or a fancy dinner or a bunch of new music? Gambling is like lighting money on fire and tossing it out the window. I just don't get it. I witnessed a man who just recently lost his job blow every last cent that he had on him. He has a wife and a child at home and I'm praying that his daughter didn't inherit his "dumbass gene".

Oh, did I forget to mention that I have the worst luck of anyone I know? Don't get me near a slot machine, it will just suck the money right out of my pocket and laugh while doing it. If I ever make it to Vegas I'll just stick to the three S's: spas, shows, and shopping. Keep me the hell away from the casinos. While I did appreciate the invite and the chance to be with my sweet friend, I have now decided that the gambling life is NOT for me.

Things I Know About Myself:

I already know that I won't be able to see the new version of King Kong. I'll end up wailing in the theater and then all the way home. Why do people find these movies entertaining? What in the world is entertaining about capturing and torturing an animal? I'm confused. The end of Godzilla (by the way, worst movie EVER) had me sobbing. You know the part, when they've nuked the poor lizard and they're listening to the heart beat slower...and slower...and slower...until it stops. I was a mess. Seriously.

A Personal Fuzzball Message to Peter Jackson: YOU SUCK.

Open letter to unnamed blogger:

Do us all a favor and get over yourself. *yawn*

S.O.S.

FUZZBALL CALLING ALL COMPUTER PEOPLE...FUZZBALL CALLING ALL COMPUTER PEOPLE...

Show me your colors...

I am a firm believer in the idea that crises bring out the best and the worst in people. You want to judge a person's character? Watch their response when all hell breaks loose. Do they break down and lose control? Do they rise to the occasion and help any way possible? Do they fight to place blame? Do they completely disregard the entire situation around them? Do they rally those around them? What do they do? What do you do?

This past week has made me proud to know some people and embarrassed to know others.

UPDATE: I have received several e-mails and IM's regarding this post, and I would like to clarify something. Someone asked me if I thought I was being judgemental in this post. Allow me to answer: hell yes I am.

Katrina caused a disaster of epic proportions. It will take our country YEARS to recover. The state of Louisiana will never be the same. Ever. Thousands of people, thousands, are dead. TENS of thousands are homeless, and even more than that have lost homes, jobs, etc.

You ask if I'm being judgemental. Here's how I see this situation: if you have money, you should donate. If you don't have money, you should donate time. What does that mean? Volunteer at a shelter, help stuff envelopes, organize a fundraiser, donate old clothes. Everyone in America has a an obligation to help right now. There are many different ways to help, yes. So find one and get with it. Am I being judgemental by saying that I'm embarassed by those who do nothing but watch CNN and wring their hands? That's your call. I'm sticking by my statement.

It's a sign...

I'm forever complaining to Anne that she gets all of the internet hunks and I get nuthin. She has admirers of all shapes and sizes and I have...nuthin.

Well, I've really decided that I just shouldn't complain any longer, because after all, I do have...KHAN.

Oh yes, for those of you who aren't familiar with this gentleman, I have been the object of his attentions for some time now. Sigh. Yes, he's back. I received the following e-mail today:

hi! Im GK and Im emailing you out of nowhere to get a stranger's perspective on what EXACTLY do women find attractive in guys....whenever Ive asked this from my female friends or ex girlfriends Ive got a "biased" answer I am hoping a total stranger would be more precise, unbiased and accurate. The reason why Im asking this is.........well its a long story and complicated apart from being besides the point...hope to get some good input from you...If not it still is cool....bye GK

Is there anyone out there who wouldn't love to meet one of Khan's ex-girlfriends? Oh baby I know I would.